Hello Again

It's 1:45am and I'm sitting here on the front porch unable to sleep. I haven't posted anything in some time. Just thought I would try it tonight. Nothing much happening these days. Still haven't found a job so I've been working around the house. This past week was pretty much a lazy week. Ashamed to say that I did absolutely nothing. ha! I've been working on putting our 30 year class reunion together. It's been a lot of fun reconnecting with old friends. I have also made some new friends in the process. Sherrie is one of my new friends. We were in the band together, me on the flag corp and her being one of the majorettes. Unfortunately, we were not friends in school. We knew each other but weren't close friends. She is the one I'm helping with the reunion. We have become close friends. Sharing our ups and downs in life. I thank God that he has brought her into my life. Anne is my best friend from school. About 5 years ago she came back into my life and now we are as close as we were in school. It's like no time has passed at all. It's always fun to make new friends but it is very special to rekindle old friendships. I'm looking forward to our reunion. It will be the first one that I've been to. I can't wait.

It's been a while since I've posted any pictures of my granddaughter, Abigail, so I thought you might want to see how she's growing. She has started laughing and it is a sound that is so precious. When she looks at you with those big eyes and smiles, it would melt the coldest of hearts. Hope you enjoy seeing the pictures as much as I enjoy sharing them with you.

DeLora

Happy 4th!!

June.....weird and wonderful.

It's been a while since I've been here and tonight, for some reason, I haven't been able to sleep. I've just been thinking........I KNOW, hold on to your hats!....what a strange month this has been. Full of both happy times and not so happy times. June is the beginning of Summer........which I do not like. On the official first day of summer is was over 100 degrees. I hate that kind of heat. Just zaps my energy right out of me. June is also a month full of birthdays. Beginning with DeLora on June 7th, I have a birthday every 7 days to celebrate...with a couple of more thrown in here and there. And then there's Father's Day. A bittersweet day for me. I happy to be married to a wonderful man who loves his son.....even when that isn't easy. I also miss my father terribly on this day. Instead of letting myself get completely overtaken with grief I try very hard to just think of the wonderful memories of him. They are many! My daddy was completely loving, hysterically funny and a hard working man. So many reason why I loved him like I did. Then this month also marks the first anniversary of the death of my sweet friend, Pam. I can't believe it's been a year. She died on June 15, 2008. We celebrated her 48th birthday on June 17. I want to know so much. Like, does she know her youngest, Megan, graduated with honors from high school or that her oldest daughter, Jessica, graduated from Auburn? I wonder if she knows that Blake finally asked beautiful Jessica to marry him. A cinderella proposal if I've ever heard one. If I didn't know better I would have sworn that Pam Looney had scripted the whole thing out herself!! I want her to know all of these things. And that Gary, though he lost his job when I did in December, has finally found work and is doing great. Forgive me while I indulge myself in this little tribute to Pam, but even still, she inspires me. This ones for you, Pammy. Your "baby girl" misses you and is loving you still........

GIVEAWAY!!!

I love giveaways.........and I love them even more when someone else is doing the giving! ha! I'm kidding. But, I do want all of you to go and visit the "Go Ask Sadie" blog and register for an awesome giveaway! The "Sadie" button on the right will direct you there! Good Luck!!!

A Bad Goodbye

Life is hard. Sometimes things happen that takes a massive stretch to even try and understand. The past 24 hours have been hard, heart-wrenching hours. For those of you that know me well, you are aware of the strained relationship that my husband shared with his mother. So much pain. So much heartbreak. So much confusion and unanswered questions. Well, sadly, those questions will never be answered. Bobby's mother died last night. Alone. She has seven children and she died alone. I think that says it all. In the past 24 hours I've seen my husband go through a dozen different emotional breakdowns. The shock that she was gone. The tears over a life of high drama that was never resolved. The anger of all that has happened. The pain that was his life. But, I'm not sure if I've seen one tear like we would cry over the realization that "Mom's gone". It's been so hard to watch. We've had very little sleep. He's having a hard time. You know, I don't know what is harder.......losing someone that loves you or losing someone that you wanted to love you. As we lay in bed last night talking he turned to me and said "You know, when you love someone you know what kind of music they like or their favorite flower or their favorite color. I don't know that about her. Never did.". Do you know how completely my heart crumbled with that sentence? I mean........I cannot even imagine. I'm bawling as I sit and write this just hearing him saying it over in my mind. It was as if he was a 5 year old again and he had disappointed his mother. I could almost hear his heart breaking. Then there would be a moment of anger about the past and then a moment of anger that she allowed him to be living this kind of moment at all. How do families get so messed up? The fact is she was a horrible woman who came from a horrible family and they just do what they do. It's those, like Bobby, who recognize the problem and refuse to be a part of it that get so hurt. Those of us blessed with wonderful families, loving parents and siblings, that find it so hard to understand this type of family dynamic. I am one of the blessed ones and thank my heavenly Father for that! But I'm trying so hard to make some sense out of it. Trying to understand what kind of woman would put her kids through hell and then have the nerve to die and leave them crying because they know she never made the decision to spend eternity with Jesus. As bad as she was at it...she was still his mother. And he is hurting.

I write this not to air our dirty laundry but to clear my foggy brain. The next 2 days will be hard ones. We will be going to GA for her funeral. I don't expect for us to get away from there without another round of drama unfolding. We've both said we will turn and walk away at the first hint. Seven kids, 4 from one marriage, 3 from another. And a mother that continually tried to drive a wedge between them all. They don't even realize how sweet life would be having a wonderful relationship with one another. Heaven help them.

Rebecca

Letting Go and Letting God

It's been a while since I've posted anything 'deep' or what might be considered thought-provoking. It's actually been a while since I've felt like I had anything worth saying. I guess I'm jumping ahead of myself in thinking that this post will be any of that, but my mind has been so jumbled in the past few days that I thought maybe putting it down in print might help me find some clarity.

Tomorrow will be three months since I left my job at AC. For the first month and a half or two months I went through different stages of adjustment. The day I left I felt a relief that I cannot possibly describe. As much as I loved my job, I didn't realize the stress factor. When I walked out that door on that last day and got into my car, I felt the weight of the world lift off of my shoulders. Though I was a little nervous thinking about the future, I was happy. Happy to be 'starting over'. Happy to be rid of some of the things that I just tolerated while I was there. Happy with the prospect of bigger and better things. Those feelings quickly turned to sadness. Guilt. Regret. Fear. I took the loss personally, as if it had only happened to me instead of 350 of us. I felt used up and thrown away. I felt obsolete. I couldn't enjoy my time off because, frankly, I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. Since the age of 19 I have never been without a full time job. Then there was the guilt. I watched my husband and son get up and go to work everyday and here I sat. Watching tv all day if I wanted. Wearing my 'grubbies' all day. Rarely putting on make-up. Then I started feeling like if they were working all day away from the house, that I should be doing the same here at home. I wore myself out cleaning. Scrubbing. Washing. Organizing. Cooking. I felt like time had stopped almost. Like I was in limbo. Surely this wasn't what I was supposed to be doing.

For the last month, however, I began enjoying being home. Happy to be keeping a clean house and cooking lunch and dinner everday for Bobby. I was actually trying to figure out what it is that I want to be doing for the next phase of my life. Looking for something that was not only meaninful to me, but to others. I've been thinking alot about starting a business of my own. Maybe not an actual place, perhaps just an on-line thing. I was getting excited. Wondering if we could pull it off. Then today I was told that there may be a possibility coming my way in the near future. A new job. A new place to get up and go everyday, make money, cover insurance..........you know the drill. Now I'm confused. Is God trying to tell me something? Was God just giving me a break that I needed for a while to not only rest my weary bones, but to take the time to start thinking about ME for a change? Letting me explore my options and find my passion? Then why is it that just when I get excited about an opportunity, I find out that I may soon be offered something I might not be able to refuse? I know I need to work. We need the money. We need the insurance. The timing of it all just baffles me. Now I'm wondering if my personal goals are not the goals He has set for me. Is He going to allow this offer to come my way before I waste my time on a project that I've dreamed up for myself and one that maybe He doesn't want me to do? I just don't know.

Tonight I sit her confused and wondering. But I guess all I need to do is trust. I need to let go and let God work in my life the way He wants to. Why is that so hard to do sometimes? It's futile to try to sway God to see things my way!! Why would I even want to when I know His plan is perfect?

Maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse here. No offer has come my way and I'm only hearing about it 3rd hand. The job itself would be perfect in that the environment would be familiar and comfortable and it would be something that I've already been acquainted with for years.

I guess I just need to be still and listen. Is it just me or does sometimes God seem a little hoarse to you? I mean, sometimes He's has so got to be whispering because I'm not hearing anything. Perhaps He whispers to see how well we're really trying to hear.........

Rebecca

Our Easter Babies!